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I just melted part of a Wonka Whatchamacallit onto one of those gigantic Texas honeybun things…
Do I have diabetes yet?
Michael Vick was probably a pretty big fan of Pokémon as a kid…
Stupid Phyllis got her hair done today…
I’m just gonna leave this here.
(an excerpt from today’s “session”)
Phyllis: “Nicole, what have I done to make you my enemy?”
Me: ”… Your hair.”
Phyllis: “And what’s wrong with my hair?”Me: “Phyllis, have you ever seen ‘The Iron Lady’?”
Phyllis: “That was a low blow, Nicole.”
Me: “Not really. Meryl Streep is a treasure… Unlike you.”
Hollis fucked shit up in Phyllis’ office today…
It was nice.
Finals week is a really attractive time for me.
I just realized that you can clearly see the Spider-Man logo on my underwear through the pants I’m wearing…
Now everyone knows about my friendly neighborhood secret identity.
Looks like I just picked a whole bouquet of oopsie-daisies.
It’s cold in here
and there’s only so much this box of Froot Loops can do for me.
sexually.
So the other day I was texting everyone with even a vaguely male-sounding name on my sister’s phone, because I enjoy ruining her life.
One of the texts I was planning to send included the word “thanks”, and her phone tried changing it to “thankies”…
THANKIES.
We are not related.
Like as far as body parts go, I’ve never found feet to be particularly attractive, but I just noticed how fucking weird they are. It could very well be because I’m sick and I haven’t really slept in a few days, but this is just so fascinating to me right now.
Come on, toes? I know they exist for balance and traction and all, but—it’s just such a weird design. Like I feel like maybe we should have evolved past the point that we would need them. We’re closely related to apes, and their feet are more like hands than anything else. They live in a very different habitat, but still. It looks like human feet started to evolve and then stopped. Like an awkward evolutionary stage… Evolutionary adolescence.
I mean…
Look at them.
They are so STRANGE.
Okay, so I woke up at about 2:00 this morning with a huge craving for chocolate. So, I went to go take some from my secret stash, which included this “unopened” box of Hershey’s chocolate. But when I opened the box, I discovered that some insufferable asshole had eaten their way through my stash. There was only one piece left… So I ate it and left the perp this message/piece of wisdom on the kitchen counter. It’s hard to comprehend how something so empty can be so full of lies and betrayal.
Maybe I’m “overreacting”. Maybe I’ve “gone too far”. The way I see it, I’m just an appropriately-insane loose canon who does what she knows she must, when others might shy away and sit passively by while their world turns to shit. In fact, I used to be that person… BUT NOT ANY MORE.
DO NOT. FUCK. WITH ME.
OR MY CHOCOLATE.
Yippee ki yay, mother fucker.
I don’t even really like them very much. I’m just using them because I’m hungry.
Somebody cover me. Don’t let TMZ know…
I am an actual walking scandal.
So, I think I have to kill myself, now. I’ve accepted it.
My dad just walked into the kitchen, totally drunk, and without any warning, he described to me his first blowjob…
There was nothing I could do. I just had to sit there and take it. I was just mind-raped by my own father.
Why, Father? Why would you do such a thing?! That was the last shred of innocence I and left, and you just took if from me. I feel like I have to go watch Sesame Street, or something.
I don’t even know how to process what just happened. I’m just sitting on my floor eating an avocado… Just eating it. Alone. Just peeling off the skin and biting into it. I mean, I don’t know what else to do… It just keeps replaying over and over in my mind. Was there something I did to deserve this?
Broken.
I am broken.
My parents always see me walking out of the bathroom with my laptop, and I’m pretty sure they think I have a masturbation problem, or something…
They wish.
